Prayers For Bobby...

I have never cried so much in my life. And so this will be very brief.

I have never been so proud of the mother I have in this life, She rolled with the very hard punch of learning that her baby boy was gay. I know that part of her would rather me be straight, mainly because it would be an easier life for me. But, I feel that anything worth having, should never come easy.

I was such a scared young man when I came home almost nine, maybe ten years ago. I was going to come home, to this crazy Christian area of the world, and tell them that "this is who I am, and if you don't like it, Fuck off" And as I spent the next week going to my friends and family and telling them that "This is who I am, and if you don't like it, fuck off". I was lucky and only had to say Fuck off once. And, I hope he is doing well.

Please, if you are reading this, and you have kids, wants kids, or know of kids. Them being gay is minute. Sexuality is such a small part of who we are as people, and we make too big a deal of it. We do the same with Religion. I was born this way, God put me in this chubby body, put a nice head of hair on my head, and created me gay. Why? No clue, Don't care, I am happy. He did good work. And as long as our children are happy with who there are, and who they grow up to be. Isn't that the more important thing, than what goes on in their bedroom?

Perceptions of self....

I have been running around the town today, going to and fro, being my typical self. Each of these places I encountered different groups of people. Now me being the same person at each of these places I wondered; How am I being currently perceived?

The main reason why I ask this of myself is just because I know what my intent was, but, other people don't. Like at the physical therapist's office today, I was in the room with my mother, Her therapist was helping her out, testing her body as to what it can do, and I sat there, reading on my Nook. I was thinking that I was looking rather studious. But I could have looked like a snob, sitting there with my fancy little gizmo. Though I love my fancy little gizmo, I do not mean to flaunt it around, I am just using the damn thing, I mean no harm.

Later in the day, Mom wanted to go to the VFW chapter in Goshen. I really don't care for the place, but, it is a nice place to go for service people that have been in the foreign wars. It's not my thing, so, I don't bitch that often. So, while we are there several news stories came up (The Congressman who decided to answer an ad on Craigslist, the study that diet pop isn't as good for you as originally thought), well it got me talking with the bartender and one of the ladies that I do know from my volunteer work with them, We talked the shit out of these topics, plus a few others, but, I include some comedy. Now, to the people I was talking to I am sure that I appeared witty and funny, opinionated, and intelligent. And to the people that were at the other end of the bar, I am sure that I was annoying. I also don't care.

I feel that it is futile to even try to keep everyone happy,I will just continue to do my own thing. It's my own thing that keeps me happy. I am not sure that is a good way to go, but, I make my choices and I live with them.

Day 8~ Smileys?

Day 1: Nine things about yourself.

Day 2: Eight ways to win your heart.

Day 3: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.

Day 4: Six things you wish you’d never done.

Day 5: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)

Day 6: Four turn offs.

Day 7: Three turn ons.

Day 8: Two smileys that describe your life right now.

Day 9: One confession.

Day 8: Two smileys that describe your life right now.

1. l-) ~ If you don't know what this one is, it is the loser smiley. I think that this one is two-fold. One, because it is how my life is working out right now. I have no job, no vehicle to call my own, no home of my own, no man. Yeah, kinda feel like a loser. I wish that there was an easy fix as to how I feel, but, there isn't. I shall continue to go through my day, doing what I am doing, looking up new jobs, messing around on facebook, and working on this blog. And, I hate that this is what my life is reduced to... I used to be somebody, feel something, and now I just feel numb. I hate that I go back and forth from feeling okay, to feeling like crap. but, at the core of it all. I just feel like a loser. oh, the second reason I chose this smiley is because of Glee. And, I have parts of all of those kids in me. It sucks hardcore.
2. (:| ~ This one is Tired. I try to do things that make me happy, I try to do the things that make my friends happy, I try to help my mother, I try to help myself, I try to keep the plates all spinning, and keep them from crashing to the ground and right now all I can say is, screw it. I'm Tired. there are other things that I really want to do. But, I can't pull it off right now.

The Weight of Words aka Emotion/Energy

I have never thought about the weight of words. No matter if they are written or spoken, words have weight, they have power. Words can inspire and uplift, or, destroy and crush. I know that other people's words have moved me, and I have spoken other people words and have moved people. I have never seen the immediate effect of my words until yesterday.

Yesterday's blog was something that was written out of emotion, and was the start of the healing process of what conspired over the weekend. I do not feel bad for what was said, or by what emotions were invoked in the reading of said words. But, it is the emotions of a friend, that sparked her to write to me. Her words moved me. and I am writing this. It is amazing to think that things can be passed between people in this manner.

The Law of Conservation of Energy states: That energy cannot be created nor destroyed, it can only be transformed from one state to another. My emotion/energy caused me to write, never realizing that the emotion/energy was still in my words. My friend read the words, absorbed the emotion/energy and it was transformed into her own emotion/energy . Then she wrote, and I read, and now I am writing again.

Emotions and Energy has alot of power. It can power people to make efforts that normally they wouldn't do. I hope the energy I have put into this blog and will put into my future blogs, will power you to do things to better yourself or at least feel and emotion.

Really?!

So, Shock of my life today. I hopped onto my facebook page, and saw one of my friends had posted pictures from her 4th of july weekend. And, while looking at the pictures, I saw a couple of my friends in them. then as I continued to go through the pictures, I found most of my friends in them, friends through the theatre I spend alot of my time with. I was house-sitting for one of my friends so that she could go up to her parents lake house, I thought that she was spending time with her family, no, it ends up she was with friends of the theatre and I didn't get invited. these are people I thought I was friends with. I cried a little. I bragged about how theatre is a family and that we all care for one another. and, after this weekend i feel like I have been stabbed in the back, and betrayed by family.

I love doing theatre, it is a wonderful experience to work hard on a show and perform it for an audience so that they can enjoy the hard work that we put on. I enjoy the people that I get to work with and love the work we do. and, I thought that I was forming bonds with the people. I have been doing this for Seven years. Seven!

So, I have decided that I am taking a step back. I am pulling my energy away from my theatre for the time being. and I will be redirecting it into more rewarding ventures. it hurts but it must be done.