Talking to god and my Father.

So, yeah, I haven't been on here for quite sometime (bad blogger, no cookie, and to be honest I wanted to blog, but, either nothing happened , or I didn't want to talk about it on my blog. I realize that the intent of this blog was to do just that, but, sue me, I didn't feel like it.

I am sure some of you will note the interesting use of capitalization in the title of my blog. Trust me, I did that on purpose, I normally have a reason for the things that I do, I just don't always remember them. But, this one I do, since I just did it, that helps.  So anyway, as most of my friends know, I have weight issues, and those issues are enough some days that I don't always feel like displaying the fact that I am trying combat those dreaded extra pounds, so I go walking at some ungodly time in the early morning when no one is around. normally around 3am. plus it is cooler at this time. but anyway, When I walk, I talk. I talk about my evil plans that I have for my ongoing Dungeon and Dragons game, I talk to myself to psych myself up for the rest of the week, sometimes the conversation goes towards a personal pity party, and sometimes, I talk to god. 

Note the "g" on god. I have it lower cased for a reason, and I will get to that, but first let me say that I have come to realize that I still believe in god, it is just that the 12 year old me is still a little pissed at him, but more on that later. (I know, I lots of trains in the train yard, trust me they will all get to a destination without derailing, just hush up and hold on) So, I still believe in god, Little "g" I give god the little "g" because people fight over the big "G", really? this is something that we should be fighting over? Hasn't there been enough words said in anger over the big "G", enough bloodshed over it as well. Do we still have to argue over what it says in a book that was written by men, and according to those people, that is the word of the big "G". I feel that in this day and age that "G" has been turned into and instrument as a way to divide us up and tell other groups of people why my group, is better than their group. See, little "g" doesn't believe that way, "g" is all inclusive, we all are accepted and all get to eat the icing flower off of the cake, because the cake is covered in nothing but icing flowers. Little "g" looks down at what he/she created and shakes her/his head, because it really doesn't matter how we worship him/her, as long as we do. It doesn't matter what race, sex, status, sexuality is, as long as we treat our fellow man with respect and help each other when we need it. Little "g" is tired of being a topic of debate as to why we should do something, or shouldn't do something. "g" wants everyone to be at peace and happy with each other, and we just don't get it yet. 

So, anyway, walking around my neighborhood, talking to "g", I don't always have these conversations, but, when I do, it is about the important stuff. The important stuff was the fact that it has almost been a year since I was working, and that it has to cease. I need to be able to help my situation out and I need to be able to have a starting point to go from. While walking around talking to "g" I realized that I still believed, it was just that I was still stuck as a twelve year old, when the circumstances were not in my favor and I lost my father. Losing a parent is rough at any age, but, losing the one that is supposed to teach you how to be a man, is rough on a young man. And, I for a long time have blamed god. It isn't fair to blame him, but, I look around at how things worked out in my life, now, they aren't bad, but, they are not great either, and you know, it is only human to post blame on someone, and I was twelve, so I blamed him. But, when I walk, like I said, I talk, and I was talking to god, wondering how I am going to get out of this current situation, and I started to think about my dad. How would my life be different if my dad was still around, would my life be drastically different? Hell, I would keep my life the same, if just my dad was here in it, becuase I wanted to know, Is my dad proud of me? And that was the start of something.

"Is he proud to have a gay son?" I asked, " Is he proud that his son does theatre, has no problem dressing in woman's clothes if the role requires it?" I hate to say that I was having a pity party, but, i kinda was. When you don't have something that you really need, and you had it at one point in your life, you unfortunately wonder what it would be like, or you have "what if" questions. And these questions kept coming out, one after the other, each one a question that hangs out in the back of my mind and waits until I am vulnerable and then attacks. Tears are streaming down my cheeks while I am walking, this is also why I walk so damn early in the morning, If I am in one of these moods, I can cry, and not have people see. 

So, I am walking around, tears streaming down my cheeks, making the shirt that I am wearing become damp, I am so cold at this point, it is three A.M. that I have goosebumps all up and down my arms. I am about to round a corner on my normal walk path, and I utter the words"Is he proud to have a gay son?  " Is he proud that his son does theatre, has no problem dressing in woman's clothes if the role requires it?" I no more utter these words, and I walk into a warm mass of air. and I mean warm. The first words that I utter after walking into the mass is "Hi Dad."

I know what you may be thinking, but, don't you know people by how they feel, how the smell, by just how you feel when you are near them? This is what happened. I knew from the moment I stepped into that warm mass of air, it was my dad. Now, when I say warm mass of air, I mean it. I walked into the warmth and the goosebumps slowly started to go away, I wasn't cold anymore. I felt calm, and warm, and comforted. I continued my walk talking to my dad, and feeling the answers to my questions. And, as you might have guessed they were positive, I don't think I would have written this if it wasn't. But, I continued the semi-one sided conversation on my way back to my home. 

I hate to say it, but, I tend to stick to the same route and this route goes by a church, well, as I walked by this church that I normally go by, I happened to look into the glass door into the building, and staring back at me in the reflection of the glass was me going by, but, also the body of an older man wearing a flannel shirt and jeans. Something that my dad wore to keep warm. And, Though I didn't see his face, I knew it was my father. I guess those who have gone before us never truly leave us. Have a good day people. god bless you. 

Nominations, yup. more Big Brother.

I know that it is nothing personal in my life that I am talking about, I just really like Big Brother. So, I watch as much as I can. So, this episode it was time for the Head of Household, Rachel, to nominate people for eviction. But first off was the Have/ Have Not competition.

The Have/Have Not competition is where the houseguests get put into teams and are competing for the luxuries of get this... Not Having to eat Big Brother Slop, Not having to take cold showers, and Not having to sleep in the Have Not Bedroom (which this year, is designed to look like a padded cell of an insane asylum). The game is what I would like to call "The Milky Way" The HOH and her partner, Brendan, did not compete. The Alumni teamed up in one group, Blue cows, The pairs or Porsche/Keith and Adam/Dominic were the Green Cows. And Lawon/Kalia and Cassi/Shelly were the Orange Cows. Each team consisted of thee team members dressed as cows, which looked to be made of a spongy material, and the Milkman who was in a lycra suit. Jeff, Keith, and Lawon were the milkmen for their respective teams. The cows had to run into a crater that was filled with milk, run across the yard up the plank to their color coded launch pad and have the milkman squeeze the milk out of the costumes, the first two teams to finish were the Haves, with the final team being the Have Nots. It was kinda funny to watch this competition because it is grown adults acting like children in this game. In the End the Veterans filled there bottle up first, followed by the Green Cow team in second. and the Orange team becoming the Have Nots for the first week.

The major thing about Big Brother is that it is always a numbers game, who has the bigger group supporting themselves to push themselves forward. The Veterans know that in the grand scheme of things they are currently losing 6-8, and with that being said have decided to team up and take out the newbies. they also have figured out that they need to pull someone from the other side to help keep them in the game. The first person that they approached was Porsche, she of course said yes, and pretty much played her hand to early and informed her partner Keith of what transpired. The problem is, she didn't kow that Keith has already made an alliance with Cassi, Dominic, and Lawon. This foursome has decided to call themselves "The Regulators" (Really? That is the best you can come up with? Lame. But anyway) Keith went back to his group to inform them of what happened and they vowed to get her out.

The next person that the veterans chose to talk to was Adam. He seems like a smart guy, I hope that he was blowing smoke at them. But he too kinda said yes to the veterans plans. When all was said and done and Rachel ended the nominations ceremony, Keith and Porsche were on the block, with Rachel intentions to get rid of Keith due to his athletic prowess. The only thing is they didn't clue in Porsche as to what they were going to do, and she is a little mad. So, either way it goes, It doesn't look good for the veterans with who stays.

Wendsday is the Veto Competition. so we will see who gets to the Golden Power of Veto and maybe the nominations will change.

In My Opinion:

• Porsche played her hand to early and kow-towed to the powers of the veterans. She needs to go. I am sorry, If I was in her shoes, I would realize that even though the Vets currently have someone in the HOH position, it won't be for very long. And that the newbies have the numbers. She just doesn't know what she is doing. Buh-Bye Porsche.
• The Vets are being controlled by Evil Dick. WAKE UP! Even through he is being vocal, and he is doing the work. The blood that splatters by his hands will land on the rest of the veterans. Hopefully Jeff, Jordan, Rachel, and Brendan will get rid of him first when they get the chance.

It's that time of the year again... Big Brother is back!

Ah! I love summer. Every year CBS blesses us reality show junkies with Big Brother. I love Big Brother. It is a masterful mixture of drama, game show, and a bunch of hot bodies. If you never watched Big Brother, Let me give you a quick synopsis of how it works. 13 (normally) strangers (also normally) enter the BB house and compete in different challenges to eventually have one person win $500,000.

So every summer they always have a twist to the game, This year is no exception. Big Brother season 13 theme is..... A Summer of Double Trouble! The game of Big Brother throws these people into a odd situation and we get to see what they do, Typically, These people form groups and alliances to try to sway the game in their favor. As most groups start, it begins with two. These two people might be very forthcoming of their couple status, and others keep the duo-ship a secret until it is too late. Well this time the Big Brother game gets turned on its ear when 8 brand new houseguests come into the game and are forced into partnerships, and then find out that they have to go against three power couples from seasons past.

The Couples Are:
    The New Houseguests:
          Adam/Dominic ~ Heavy metal guy, Really loud, not sure how I feel about him/ College kid, Still lives at home, Kinda hot (he hasn't taken off his shirt yet, so that can't be confirmed)
          Cassi/Shelly ~ Model, Very pretty, Seems kinda humble (go figure)/ Mom, Executive of a sporting goods/hunting retailer, Honest (Also a seems to be, the game just started)
          Lawon/Kalia ~ Outspoken, Crazy fashion, Gay?/ Kinda stuck up, A writer of a sex column, She might be the bitch of the season.
          Keith/Porsche ~ Pastor, Horn-Dog, ALREADY LIED (way to go Religion Boy)/ VIP Bartender, Thinks she's hot, seems to be a competitor

     The Old Houseguests:
          Rachel/Brendan ~ They are from Season 12 (Summer of Sabotage). This is the first time I have ever seen the guy ride on the coattails of the girl. Brendan Hardly ever won, Rachel kicked a lot of ass during her time on the show. The problem with Rachel is, she is really really loud, has an annoying laugh and sounds like she has a IQ of 2. I am happy to hear however, that they got engaged.
          Jeff/Jordan ~ They are from Season 11 (High School Cliques). Jordan won her season. They are stupid cute. They are still dating, which I think is super cute. Jeff is very competitive and very protective of Jordan. Jordan is really cute and observant, just doesn't seem that smart.
          Evil Dick/Danelle ~ They are from Season 8. Evil Dick won his season. Danelle was second. Evil Dick is his namesake. He tormented his fellow housemates. Dick and Danelle weren't on good terms when they first played the game, and they still aren't.

The HOH Competition:
The pairs had to hang on a large banana while it swung, dipped, and had chocolate sauce and whip cream shot at them. Rachel lasted the longest after she struck a deal with Evil Dick and Danelle to keep them in the game. As the Head of Household (HOH) Rachel will get to nominate one of the other couples for eviction. The nominated couple will have to campaign to keep themselves in the game. Where one person will be kicked out, and the other will receive the Golden Key. The houseguest that receives the Golden Key will automatically make into the top 10. So, not only is Rachel attempting to kick someone out, she is making sure that someone stays for four weeks scott-free.

In My Opinion:

• I think that this season has great potential to rival the others. I am looking forward to see who does what to whom this season.  
• I do not like the Keith/Porsche pairing. Keith seems to be one of those who will use his faith to justify his actions. He wants to "Go forth and multiply" Because that is what it says in the bible, it seems to me that he is going to use scripture to back up his horndog/player ways. And he thanked God to be in the house with such beautiful ladies. Makes me sick. Porsche seems very shallow, it is early in the game and hopefully she will show another side of herself, if not get rid of her.
• If I was Danelle, I would go to Rachel and tell her to put up her and her father, as long as she promised to vote out Evil Dick first. 
• If I was Rachel, I would put up Evil Dick and Danelle. And just be hated from the get go, and campaign to get rid of Evil Dick.

We will see what happens on Tuesday. That is when the nominations happen and the Veto competition. 

Something I tell myself everyday...

Be thankful for the day, It may have been shitty. But at least it was there.

June 5th, Day Two, should be Day Four. Oops, life happens.

The Bristol Opera House. Home to Elkhart Civic Theatre.

     I will not be undaunted in doing this blog. It is amazing as to what gets pushed to the side when craziness happens. And, my craziness is what I am going to talk about.... My love of theatre. Not just going to the theatre, but, participating in it.

     If you look at the picture to the right, you will notice the blue building, That is my home away from home. In the last couple of weeks I have spent about half of my waking hours in that building or at least working towards the end goal. The end goal this time is the Tony Award winning musical "The Drowsy Chaperone.

     Now, I am not going to talk about the show, or even talk about my character. What I am going to talk about is why I do theatre. Well, First of all, I enjoy it. The work is hard, the hours can be long, but, when you hear the laughter, the gasps, and the applause. It is worth all of it. But, the main reason why I do theatre is because of the people. Now, sometimes I get along with a couple of people in the cast. Other times, like this show, I get along with everyone, and I will truly miss all of them.

     We all need to find people, and when I am working on a show, I always seem to find someone. Sometimes I reconnect with someone that I have worked with before, and sometimes I find new people that enrich my life. So, If they are reading this. Thank you.

June 2nd, Day one of 365 blogs about me. This should be interesting (with a pic. lol)

     Dice. Those are just some of my dice, and yes, that is a huge mound of dice. And "Why do you have them?" you might say. Well, I am a geek, a dork, a nerd. In other words a gamer. Now, most of us have played games, but, we wouldn't fall under the category of "gamer". Why is that? Well, Do you consistently check forums on other peoples games and see what they are doing? Do you talk to people from around the country for hours on end about favorite characters? Do you get really grumpy when something happens that disrupts plans for game time?  Do you have a lot of publications fueling your ideas for current and or future games? If you have answered yes to some of those questions, you may be a gamer. I answered yes to all of them of course.

     Now, I started when I was 8, it was a local game with friends of mine from the neighborhood. I started by playing a  human wizard, who met his demise by tripping on a rock while running away from combat. I tripped, cracked my head on another rock, and died. The next game, My newly-dead wizard's twin brother, who also happened to be a wizard showed up. He lasted a little longer.

     Now, since I was so young, and it was something that really into, I took my books everywhere. Now, friends of my mother saw these books in my hands, and in my backpack, and saw how much I loved them, how much I was into them, and felt it was their duty to question my mother on her choice to allow me to play. Which she told them, "I have questioned my son, he knows that what he is doing is just a game. Back off. When he starts to get delusional and thinks that he can cast spells, then I will get him to stop" Now, I wish I could cast spells, Magic Missile would have been a handy one here in these past couple of weeks, but alas, I can't.

     As I grew up and lived my life, people felt the need to question my love of gaming. I remember one church member asking me, "How can you play Dungeons and Dragons and still think that you are a good Christian?" I looked at the woman, and plainly said. "It's a game Honey, I know the difference. Do you?" She wasn't too happy with me. Dungeons and Dragons is a game, It is a means of escape from our lives, It is a way to socialize with our friends, and it is a way to feel a small sense of power in our lives, being able to control someone who ultimately benefits the world and know that they do. In other words, an ego boost.

     Now, I will play Dungeon and Dragons until the day I die, I will teach my friends and family how to play if they want to learn, and I will always have a fantastic time doing so. I am a gamer, and damn proud of it.

Dreams and Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to everyone! Kinda feel weird, my mother gave me money so I could go get her a card. , but, what the hell, she know that I am looking for a job. She loves me and even though she irritates the crap out of me, I love her as well. I think that we all have that person in our life that we love and drives us nuts at the same time. Hell, I might be that person for you. LOL

So, My dream was probably the most interesting one that I have had in a long time. I dreamt that I was a member of the X-files with Mulder and Scully. The case was a group of missing mentally handicapped people from a old school. In the old gymnasium there was these thinning trees with empty wheelchairs strewn around them. On the floor was remnants of stuffed animals and dolls amidst piles of puzzle pieces. As we walked around the school, all of a sudden a Hispanic little person ran beside me and of course I ordered him to stop, and he flipped me off and to told me to fuck off. His mouth was dripping blood, it was kinda gross. While looking at security footage, I looked at Mulder and told him "Hey guess what I get to do?" he looked at me funny and then I said "I get to be the person of this episode that tells you to come over here and take a look at this." which caused him to start laughing. Well, while walking around with Scully, we found a room that only had doorknobs on the outside, and I pointed that to Scully. She noted as to how weird that was. When she and I made it back to the gym, we saw someone within the trees, he started to run, and we were just watching him, afraid that he was about to attack us, when all of a sudden the staff of the place come out and were going to go after the "Slow Child." The "Slow child"'s speed picked up greatly at this point as he started to look like a blur, he jumped into one of the walls yelling "yomway". Scully and I, With guns drawn, ran after the guy, We yelled "yomway", and jumped. I remember turning around to look at the people that were coming to get us, their faces turned from flesh colored to grey, the eyes elongated and changed to Opaque black, the teeth were sharp like needles, the fingers elongated. We landed in some sort of substance that was yellow and had the consistency of Sticky-Tack when you pull on it. Once I got out of the yellow substance, I was handed the pages of a newspaper containing the comics. And then I woke up. Crazy Right?

Something to write about.

Yeah!!! I am happy to have something to talk about, I know I said that if i didn't do this everyday that I shouldn't have this blog, but, I am allowed to change my mind. So there :P

Anyway, the things that I want to talk about are: My skills at Dungeon and Dragons, and Jesus. And now that I got your attention... I can begin.

My ability to pull things out of my ass amazes me. Get that dirty thought out of your mind. I mean when it comes to creating adventures for Dungeons and Dragons. What happened for me this time was I received a call from a one of my friends that was going to be joining our gaming group, he asked me if we could play this evening, well technically last evening,but, anyways. He called and said that if I wanted to, He wanted to play and that two of my other players were available if I wanted to. So, I said yes. now they only problem was that the friend that called me didn't have a character. and were were going to being playing game two and a half hours later. So, I spent an hour and thirty five minutes, one the phone, with my friend, making his character. Once that was done, I hopped into the shower real fast, got clean and shaved. then got dried off, put on new clothes, grabbed my stuff and was out the door.

Now while driving and showering, I was thinking about game. What did I want to happen? What was I going to throw at my players to keep them on their toes? Could I pull off making a decent game with very little planning time? Well, the answer to the first question was the newbie's character waking up tied to a spit, and being turned over a fire. The second question was answered with Goblins and Hobgoblins and and the interesting twist where I used a player's spirit animal to wake her up. And since I left game tonight feeling very satisfied, I feel that the third was a big yes.

Normally I like being prepared, now I have been prepared for next weeks game, that was originally scheduled a month ago, for about three weeks, so hopefully that on will go that much better.

And now to Jesus. I know, random, but, you all know that I am. So, anyway, it is Easter. the day of the return of Jesus. Now I can't say that I am a non-believer, I just don't believe in the same way that maybe you do. Do I believe that there was a Jesus? Yes, I am sure that there was a Jesus. But, do I believe that he did all of those miracles? I think that he had help, and not God. I am sure between Jesus and his Disciples they did some of those wonderful things for the people of the Bible. I feel that people interpret the Bible to suit their means , there are way too many people who use the Bible as a weapon instead of the book of morals that I feel it was intended. You can disagree with me, and that is fine, that is my way of seeing things, but, I am sure that when it is all said and done, one of us will be right and one of us will be wrong. And, I am okay with either result.

I know, I know, I know...

It's been a while. I know... Bad Homo, No Porn. Whatever. Bite me. Nowadays my life has been, um, weird, I guess. Just trying to find a job, work on my script. Oh yeah, I am in a new show, The Drowsy Chaperone. I am playing Feldzieg. He is the producer for the show, I have a dance number, lol, it is going well, other than I kinda wanna stab the choreographer in the temple with a Sharpie. Just saying. I am a volunteer, I realize so are you, and you may have choreographed a show before but that doesn't give you the right to be a bitch. Just saying.

I guess the reason why I haven't been blogging is just that I wanted to keep my shit private, and that I really didn't have anything to say. I know those of you that know me are probably gasping for air. It just that, I can't help it, but sometimes I don't wanna burden people with my crap. That's not my thing. I will help you with your crap, but, as to mine.... um, it doesn't exist.

I guess that sometime I will be blogging more, just not right now.... Um, soon... I promise.

Prayers For Bobby...

I have never cried so much in my life. And so this will be very brief.

I have never been so proud of the mother I have in this life, She rolled with the very hard punch of learning that her baby boy was gay. I know that part of her would rather me be straight, mainly because it would be an easier life for me. But, I feel that anything worth having, should never come easy.

I was such a scared young man when I came home almost nine, maybe ten years ago. I was going to come home, to this crazy Christian area of the world, and tell them that "this is who I am, and if you don't like it, Fuck off" And as I spent the next week going to my friends and family and telling them that "This is who I am, and if you don't like it, fuck off". I was lucky and only had to say Fuck off once. And, I hope he is doing well.

Please, if you are reading this, and you have kids, wants kids, or know of kids. Them being gay is minute. Sexuality is such a small part of who we are as people, and we make too big a deal of it. We do the same with Religion. I was born this way, God put me in this chubby body, put a nice head of hair on my head, and created me gay. Why? No clue, Don't care, I am happy. He did good work. And as long as our children are happy with who there are, and who they grow up to be. Isn't that the more important thing, than what goes on in their bedroom?

Sometimes I hate my dreams...

I don't like being woken up by my dreams, ones that really upset me are the worst.

The dream started with me in a dark room, sitting in a chair, with a bright light hanging above my head. I sit there for several minutes there is no noise, no movement around me. Then all of a sudden there a light above another chair turns on. In the chair is a non-descript man who proceeds to attack me verbally about my sexuality. And that it state in the ten commandments how man shall not lay with man as he does woman. And I retort that it also states that Thou shall not kill. It was then that my mind flooded with images of my friends and classmates and family members that were cops and soldiers, people who defended our country, our cities, our very way of lives. In Hell. Because they killed someone. That person then tells me that they defended their country there will an exception and I yelled back that the ten commandments has no exceptions. If I am going to hell because I am gay, they rest assured that they are going to hell because they killed.

Now, I don't like that at all. I would much rather everything be hunky-dory and everyone I love be in heaven, but, the way things are written it is in black and white, not this grey area where we want one to be. And I don't like it. All I am saying is that people that follow that thing called religion, which I am not a subscriber to for reasons I may write down at some point, they can't pick and choose the parts that work for them, but, whether they want to or not, they do. They pick the parts that affect their life and the parts that would actually state that they might not be as good of a Christian as they think they are or say something that they don't want to hear, they choose to ignore it.

Ok, I admit it. I'm a diva

Di * Va

[dee-vuh, -vah]

–noun, plural -vas, -ve

a distinguished female singer; prima donna.

Yes, I realize that I am not a female. But, I fall underneath this connotation. The negative one.

Now some Divas grace the stage with all of the power of the gods and goddesses of ancient history. The problem with that is, those gods and goddesses try to wield that power off stage. And, Dammit I am guilty!

I was listening to the TheatreGeeks podcast and I realized that I fall under the subject of diva. I have been blessed with a little bit of talent, okay, my diva-ness will not allow me to say a little bit. I have a moderate well of talent, it spreads over a lot of fields. I have heard from my own mouth as to how I will not take a small role due to the fact that I have had some bigger parts. How dare I.

Now today I will be auditioning for the show The Drowsy Chaperone. And, though I might not get a main role, hopefully I will be getting a role. now the only thing is I need to remain humble. I will admit that I am not as strong of a singer as I am a character actor. but, hey who knows. I am just going to try to keep my diva down.

I'm Tired...

I have a odd sleep schedule, one of the reasons why I haven't been blogging, It gets me up at odd hours and knocks me out the same way.

Why are people so close minded? Things that will slightly rock your world happen all the time and when someone brings it up to your attention, Do you shy away? Do you read it and take it in and make an assessment? Or do you attack the person that brought the information to the light?

If you can't tell this happened to me. And even though I had other articles that proved part of what the original post was talking about, I was dismissed and in some ways put down. Because of that person' s, how do I want to put this?, um, Shit, I took off the article and went about my day. Now he might complain that I did it because I didn't agree with him, or He upset me. and the truth of the matter is that it is my page and I can put up and take off what I want, and I also don't need such a close minded person tainting an interesting article.

But, Anyway. I turned in some old games to the local GameStop so I could get the new Pokemon game. HEHE, I love it, it is the first time in a long time that every Pokemon in the game is new. So, anyway, open your minds, allow other people to influence you, but, don't let them take over, and speaking of taking over, I must go catch em all!

Happy Thoughts

Libbie Fudim once said "Recall as often as you wish; a happy memory never wears out." And of course, this got me thinking. What has happened in my life that always makes me smile?

Well, Probably the most recent thing to happen to me that will get me to smile for years to come, is the laughter from the audience as I walked out on stage wearing the Titania outfit from "Leading Ladies". Every night the audience was loud and raucous, but, the first night was amazing, because there I stood in full drag, trying to fight the smile on my face because I know how I looked. Other theater moments are just as good, but, there is nothing like being in drag to really let you know what you can do for your art.

Next on the list would have to be: Holding my nephew Colton for the first time. That was the first time in my whole history of being an uncle, that I got to hold my nephew so soon after him being born. Now, I have always been able to hold my nephews and nieces early in their lives, within a couple days usually. But, with Colton, It was within his first hours of life. It was amazing. So small, so fresh, so innocent. I was so lucky that day, I had to work a half day at my job, and I left for the hospital right after. I really felt blessed.

Next on a slightly more comical note: every time I listen to the Spice Girls I can't help but smile. I mean come on, they were a hit my senior year, the song came out the summer before I started school. And, I was sooooo into them. Why I didn't just say I was gay then I will never know.

I think it is very important that every once in awhile, we look back on our lives to remind us that, Yes, those were different times, but, they are to be treasured. The bad and the good brought us to this point. I live a life of no regret. if I would change one small thing, the person who sits here and writes these blogs would be a totally different person. Please look on your past and smile.

Yeah! Feeling much better! Part 2

So, yeah, High school would have been hell. High school was enough hell as is, But, I didn't dare cause myself more grief by announcing the student body that I was queer, I am not that dumb.

Let's be honest, who knows how things would have gone down had I came out at school, not I, and certainly not any of you. I made a decision and I am proud of the decision I made.

So, I graduated high school, work and lived my life as a straight man for two years until I went to college. College was fantastic! College was like being thrown into Disneyland with no map, and I loved it. Being away from my hometown, my mother and the friends that knew me was fantastic. I was able to put down the true foundation of the person who sits here and types this blog. Being away from all of those influences was just what I needed. Now it was in college where I was bombarded with all sorts of men, and it was there where I found my love for jocks, Jocks and other athletic men have this air about them that just screams "Male." I am not sure what it is about them that does it for me, but, I am gone, out of my mind, when I see a man the exudes testosterone. Now, I like muscles, but, it isn't a prerequisite, but, it also doesn't hurt. I love a "man's man" It just really gets me going. I pray that a man like that, would want me the way I am.

Yeah! Feeling much better! Part 1

Okay, I am feeling much better know, time to get back to the old daily grind, so to speak. So, while I have been sick, I have been watching a lot of documentaries, and most of them have been gay documentaries. I know big shock. And it got me thinking.... uh oh!

As I look over my life and I have realized that I always knew that I was gay. I knew when I was 8-9 and was playing superheroes, and, all I really wanted was to be the one that was rescued by the male, super strong, hero. I knew something was different about me right then. And, I quashed it. I smashed that little voice saying that you like boys at age 9.

The funny thing about little voices is, they don't go away. Those little voices know the insides of your mind and know where to hide so that they can still say what needs to be said and preach the truth. And even when you stand on a windy hill, with your fingers in your ears , screaming as loud as you can "la la la la la, I can't hear you!" They still are heard. And, I denied that part of myself my entire life.

I was in complete misery throughout junior high and high school. I knew that I was living a lie. I knew that I was gay, but, I wouldn't dare come out. I was already being tormented for being a fat kid at a really preppy school, but, If I would have come out of the closet.... I probably wouldn't be blogging about this right now. I would probably have been beat to death, or have killed myself. As horrible as that sounds, it is probably true. The torment that I went through on a daily basis just being fat, would have been minuscule compared to the level of evil that would have been thrown at me if I had came out.

Had to take a small break...

Yeah, I haven't been feeling very well the couple of days. I don't know if I pushed myself too hard, or what. Not sure how I caught a bug or whatever, but, I am feeling better. I will continue the story of the Dungeon and Dragons Adventuring party, plus I think that I will do a little bit of education, from a Dungeon Masters point of view, about the game of D&D. Um, I have played this game for so long now that I kinda feel like a expert, and there has been times that I didn't know what to write and I think that D&D is a good fall back. Plus, I have always heard that you talk about what you know, and I know D&D. So, expect a lot more D&D blogs.

Into the Fray... Part 3

Which of course dropped two of the main characters. Now they are not dead, just disabled. The one nice thing is, compared to the earlier editions of D&D, players have the ability to heal their own character. And thanks to Axel and Thorin, Eglath and Bill were able to get up on their feet and stand up again. to continue the battle.

I enjoy moments like these because, I was on pins and needles just because this battle was so close, I know that that it was expressed several times that the party was sure that they were going to all die. Luckily the party survived this encounter, and moved on down, farther into the tower.

Into the Fray... Part 2

And, promptly fell on his ass. yeah that would be him on his back. He was promptly swarmed by the ants and pretty much taken down at that point.

Doing what he does best, Eglath races over and quickly dispatches three of the four giant ant workers. This motion, and the falling down motion of the minotaur, forced the rest of the team to his aid. Now the only problem that the team found out was that the ants work really well together, and the giant ant soldiers grabbed Eglath and Bill, while the giant ant warriors stabbed them and filled their bodies with acid.

Into the Fray...

Upon entering the next level of the tower, an earlier message overheard from the lizardmen rings true. "Fucking Bugs" is what they find. Now I know what you are thinking... "Um, that looks like candy..." Yes we use candy as our monsters, one, it give us a visual target on the board. Two, when they monster dies, you get to eat it. Bonus.

Before them stand eight giant ants: four worker ants (Skittles), two warrior ants (Hershey Kisses) and two soldier ants (Rolos).

After rolling initiative, our party order was established, and with the monsters holding their actions, our minotaur, Bill did what he does best and charged into combat.

Deeper into the Tower... pt2

I know what you are thinking, "Part 2? Where is Part 1?" Well, I am going to give you as much information as I see fit. Hehehehe. First things first, I think you need to know what I am talking about, and then more information. Since it is Sunday, and I had my Dungeons & Dragons, which know be refereed to as D&D, game last night, I decided to stick with the revised plan and blog about my game today. Oh, just so you know, lvl = Level.

-----------------------------Cast of Characters and Their Players-------------------------------

• Axel~ 3rd lvl Human Shaman~ Ran by Beth Adcock. Humans in the game of D&D, are just like the humans of the real world, they come in all shapes and sizes, what makes them different from us is their vocation. Beth chose the Shaman as her class, Shamans fall under the Primal power group. Primal is one of the five power types for your character. I will get to those later. But, the Shaman use their information of the spirit world to help themselves along in defeating the enemies of themselves and their team. Shamans place within the group in the Leader position, now the Leader position doesn't just mean boss their team around. They have a responsibility to help heal their team, but, some also have the ability to buff up their team, or even be able to maneuver the team around into positions that will help the best.
• Bill~ 3rd lvl Minotaur Paladin~ Ran by Matt Pollard. Minotaurs are the creatures from Greek mythology. Half-Man and Half-Beast, minotaurs struggle with not being accepted within society and their inner urges to cause destruction. Paladins are one of the classes that fall under the Divine Power group. Agents of Divinity serve gods to protect their people and gain power in return. Paladins are known as Defenders. Defenders are the tanks of the team, able to eat more damage than their teammates, and they have the ability to draw enemies to them or at least hinder their opponents when they choose not to attack them.
  
• Eglath~ 3rd lvl Goliath Monk~ Ran by Justin Baker. Goliaths can be easily described by calling them Half-Giants. They life in the mountainous regions of the world, and vaule strength and power above all else. Now, The Monk it gains its power from within, The monk falls under the Psionic power group. Psionics don't look towards outside sources for access to their power, the look within themselves and into their own mind.
• Thorin~3rd lvl Dragonborn Paladin~ Ran by Larry Adcock. Dragonborn are a race to be feared and respected. Their heritage comes from long lines of dragons, that heritage grants them abilities that other races don't have. and I don't have to talk about Paladins, I have already talked about that.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Our Story So far ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Our little group was created when they each had a dream and headed towards the mountain. Once reaching the mountain, they were told that they were the keys to protecting the world against the Undead God Vecna. After protecting the caravan from a massive zombie attack, and then a small group of goblins. This group of travelers was helping the remainder of the caravan travelers get to the town, when they spotted a tower in the distance. They swam over to the tower and noticed that it was off by itself. But there was a fresh camp. After dispatching two different groups of lizardmen, the group continued down into the tower....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I will post pictures with the rest of the story soon.

I'm Done...

I am tired of being used...

I know I put a lot of myself into the things that I do, it is in my nature. But, when someone has asked the question about "when are we gonna play again?" and now that it is getting warmer and our lives all get busier, he wants out again. I am running game tonight and I am done, I feel sorry for the other three people that play, but, Fuck it. I spend time working on this, and he shows up, I am in a bad mood, and my dice respond to that sort of shit. Seriously, when I am mad, my dice start hitting hard. More to follow when I get back.

Hello? Hello? Is this thing on?

I have been trying to be consistent with my blog, but, sometimes... okay a lot of time, this is a lot of work. I am a very opinionated person, but, sometimes I don't want to talk. But, I promised myself that I would do this.

I guess the reason for the title to my blog is that, I thought that there would be a reaction, to some of the things that I written down. Anger, Disgust, Worry, Elation, something. I do the blog and post it, and even send a link to my facebook page, and then it is like I can hear the virtual crickets chirp.

What do you do when you aren't being heard? Do you scream louder? Do you just clam up and wait for people to come to you and ask what is wrong? Do you just hold it all in until you can't help but explode with a rage and a fury that mother nature has never ever seen before? Wow, that last on was a little dramatic, and I have been known to do all three.

Though I will admit, on a good note, That my blog is slowly gaining a following. This makes me happy. I know, while reading my blog, I sound a bit bipolar, but, it is how I am. I find the sunny side to almost everything. it makes some friends sick.

I guess with everything that is going on, I just have to keep going with this. This blog is my voice, I will continue to talk on it, I will talk on it until I am hoarse. Please to anyone who reads this do the same. your voice should be heard, even if it is just your ears that hear it.

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z4a8QtvOkBQ

The above link is to the audio of Lady Gaga's new song Born This Way. Please enjoy, it has a great message and I really enjoy it for multiple reasons. Have a great Friday people!

Was so very busy...

Happy Thursday people! I have been suffering with an odd sleep schedule, when I was working, I would go to bed at 11pm-midnight, get up go to work, after work who knows what I would go do, then go to bed and do it all over again. Well, right now that is not the case. I get up when I feel, and I go to bed when I am tired. Well, as of a couple of days ago, when I felt like it, it was 8am. I mean really? going to bed at 8am?! That means I would be waking up sometime in the afternoon. I hated it. Well, all of a sudden yesterday, I go to bed at 1am, which i was relieved and shocked, and I woke up at 8am. I felt like a normal, real human being again. Lucky I did it again today.

So, let us see... yesterday was Wednesday, I had to take mom to her therapy for her arm. which will take awhile, but, will be worth it. I was able to hang out with my cousin went went around Goshen and had a great time like normal. and then I came back home to watch the best damn episode of Survivor ever!

Today, I really need to get into my books and get everything written down for my Dungeon and Dragons game this weekend. ttyl people. love ya

Frustrated.... Grr

This is not much of a blog at this point, but, My mother got drunk and wasn't able to drive herself home last night. She hasn't been home in 24 hours. now I realize that she is an adult, and so am I. BUT REALLY???? I stopped my drinking myself stupid a long time ago. Why do people feel the need to dull their senses so bad? My life sucks, but, I refuse to dull it down with that kind of crap, I can understand using drugs to kill pain, if that is what you need it for, I understand the use of Marijuana for medicinal purposes. But to constantly drink until you are unable to function, is ridiculous.

Happy Valentines Day AKA: Single Person's Awareness Day.

Well, it is Me Monday: and no one sent me a question via my email~ Runningfromdragons@gmail.com or to me at Facebook. Oh Well. So I guess I will talk about Love and the lack of it in my life.

Love isn't a foreign concept to me, it is just a missing one. I haven't been in a committed relationship in quite sometime. Though at the moment, I am currently talking with a man, I hope that it goes somewhere, though currently it is too soon to tell.

Back in the day, when I dated girls, I thought that was love. But, I was young, and inexperienced. Today, I know even less about love. It has been awhile since I have even kissed a guy. I think it will be nice once it happens, if it happens.

love

   [luhv] Show IPAnoun, verb, loved, lov·ing.

–noun

1.

a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

2.

a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, asfor a parent, child, or friend.

3.

sexual passion or desire.

4.

a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person;sweetheart.

5.

(used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection,or the like): Would you like to see a movie, love?

6.

a love affair; an intensely amorous incident; amour.

7.

sexual intercourse; copulation.

8.

( initial capital letter ) a personification of sexual affection,as Eros or Cupid.

9.

affectionate concern for the well-being of others: the love ofone's neighbor.

10.

strong predilection, enthusiasm, or liking for anything: herlove of books.

11.

the object or thing so liked: The theater was her great love.

12.

the benevolent affection of god for His creatures, or thereverent affection due from them to God.

13.

Chiefly Tennis . a score of zero; nothing.

14.

a word formerly used in communications to represent theletter L.

–verb (used with object)

15.

to have love or affection for: All her pupils love her.

16.

to have a profoundly tender, passionate affection for(another person).

17.

to have a strong liking for; take great pleasure in: to lovemusic.

18.

to need or require; benefit greatly from: Plants love sunlight.

19.

to embrace and kiss (someone), as a lover.

20.

to have sexual intercourse with.

–verb (used without object)

21.

to have love or affection for another person; be in love.

—Verb phrase

22.

love up, to hug and cuddle: She loves him up every chanceshe gets.

—Idioms

23.

for love,

a.

out of affection or liking; for pleasure.

b.

without compensation; gratuitously: He took care of thepoor for love.

24.

for the love of, in consideration of; for the sake of: For thelove of mercy, stop that noise.

25.

in love, infused with or feeling deep affection or passion: ayouth always in love.

26.

in love with, feeling deep affection or passion for (a person,idea, occupation, etc.); enamored of: in love with thegirl next door; in love with one's work.

27.

make love,

a.

to embrace and kiss as lovers.

b.

to engage in sexual activity.

28.

no love lost, dislike; animosity: There was no love lostbetween the two brothers.

That is 28 definitions of love, that is crazy. Do we need that many, or does love mean that much. It does. I mean how could it not. We all want it, and when we have it, even in the smallest form, our lives feel sooooooo much better. I just hope to get this soon.