Day Three, The list from Hell

Day 1: Nine things about yourself.

Day 2: Eight ways to win your heart.

Day 3: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.

Day 4: Six things you wish you’d never done.

Day 5: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)

Day 6: Four turn offs.

Day 7: Three turn ons.

Day 8: Two smileys that describe your life right now.

Day 9: One confession.

Day 3: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.

1. Death~ I hate that this is the first thing that hits my list, But when the beginning of your life is plagued with death, it kind of surrounds you. My father was the first to go, followed by my uncle and my grandfather, my entire male pantheon was taken away from me at an early age. It is also a horrible thought, when sometimes you are attacked by your own mind, of what life would be like if you we no longer around. I am not talking about killing myself, but just the absence of my influence in the world. And, even sometimes, my mind wonders and I see myself taking actions that lead to my physical harm.
2. Being Single~ I have been single for so long, it too is a part of me. I have my friends, don't get me wrong, but, when I go home I don't want them in my bed. I think the worst part about being single is not only the need to have that warm body next to me, it's that my body seems to know what it feels like, and creates the sensation even though no one is there. So when I roll over to see who it is and it is empty space... it is truly heartbreaking.
3. My Future~ I currently don't know what the hell I am doing, or where I am going. I see the things that I need to go towards, but, I have no clue how I am going to obtain them. Partially because what I did in my past and how I am still trying to repair what I did in my present.
4. Music~ Music is a part of my being, my soul, my essence. I seem to have music playing, most of the time it is in my head. I am okay with that.
5. Money~ I think more so, the lack of money. I have bills, we all have bills and without a job, it gets harder to pay said bills. Thankfully I have a mother who is able to help me at this moment in time.
6. Dungeon & Dragons~ I can't help it, almost everything I see can give me inspiration for Dungeon and Dragons. I mean, I have been playing since I was eight. I am used to looking for inspiration. I find it everywhere. I guess that is a good thing, bad for my players, but, great for me.
7. Family and Friends~ I know what this will sound like, but, I wonder what kind of difference I make in their life. Is what I do that significant? If I move away, will my absence be that bad? I look at what I wrote, and I will not edit it, but, fuck I sound depressed. Like I need some sort of pick me up. I am fine, I just am making a list of shit in my head. It's not always pretty, and I don't want it to be. A lot of pretty things are just lies in pretty paper. Yes, there is somethings in the world that are at face value, are what they are. But, In my life... Looks can be deceiving. I am also thinking about the fact that I want a family of my own. I have always dreamed of having kids and raising them to be great citizens of their community and the world. I love the fact that I have friends that allow me to be an Uncle to their kids. It gives me purpose and responsibility in my life. To have that duty fills me like no other.

Wow, that was kinda grueling, I wasn't expecting to start or end that list the way I did. I was just being honest. This life of mine, how so not perfect it is, is mine and I truly love it and I wouldn't think about checking out of it any earlier than I am supposed to.